2012年5月1日星期二
2011年11月14日星期一
婆婆回忆录
婆婆，对我来说一直是一个很陌生的存在。
在过去的十九年内，我相信我和她沟通的时间甚至没有超过十九个小时。的确，对一个只会以海南话沟通的老人家和一个对海南语一知半解的我来说，沟通确实是一件十分困难的事情。年龄上那巨大差距也决定了两人之间并不可能产生多少的共同话题。然而，这并不是我对她感到陌生的主要原因。或许是那遥远的50公里才是我俩之间永远也跨不去的障碍。
我爸是家中的老三。在他那个年代来说，身为次子的他在成年之后分家是在正常不过的事。自然而然的，照顾父母的责任也落不到他的头上。应此，自我出生以来“婆婆”二字一直都只是个名词。我的童年当中也从未拥有过婆婆的身影。坦白说，婆婆对我来说或许只是个陌生人而已。从其量就是一个比较熟悉的陌生人。
婆婆和大伯一家都住在巴生，离我家大约50公里的距离。那长达45分钟的车程注定了我们一家并不能长抽空回去探望她。再加上爸爸工作上的忙碌以及要顾虑到我们三兄弟姐妹的课业，每个月下巴生的次数一个巴掌都数的完。而每一次回去的时间都大约只有1～2小时。那些短暂的时间注定了我和婆婆之间并不可能产生太深厚的婆孙情。
我和婆婆存在着语言上的障碍。应此，每一次见面我们之间的对话往往不超过五句而我的对白似乎永远只有那两句："popo" 和 “dai la(知道了)"。渐渐的，与婆婆的见面似乎演变成了一种形式、一个过场。往往在对她打了声招呼后，我便会跑出她的房间自己找乐子来消磨时间至到爸爸决定回去为止。
而随着年龄的增长，我和婆婆之间的距离非但没有缩小反而慢慢的扩大了。我开始排斥前往巴生，去探望那似乎永远都躺在床上的婆婆。我对自己的时间开始有了自己的看法，我慢慢的觉得花费那几个小时的时间去和婆婆说不到5句话是种毫无意义的事情。而且，婆婆她那充满着期盼和望孙成龙的眼神让我感到异常的压抑。甚至我还应此和爸爸吵了几架。
我的爷爷在我出世之前便去世了，只留下比他年轻许多的婆婆来支撑着整个家庭。环境和生活上的压迫和影响使婆婆变得坚强和有些固执。这性格直到她去世为止都没有太大的改变。爷爷去世后几年，婆婆似乎终于看破红尘，在我爸爸几个兄弟姐妹的支持下在槟城的一间佛庙出家为尼。然而在她晚年期间因身体不适的缘故被我大伯接回了巴生的精舍以方便我们照顾。
婆婆是位素食者，但偏偏又十分嘴挑。我还记得有段期间，婆婆病的连自己起身也成了一种奢望但纵使是如此，她还是拒绝我们为她准备的食物。往往在咬了一口后便吐了出来，脸上的表情仿佛是生吃了黄莲一般，又苦又丑。她的固执由此可见。有时我甚至会想，如果婆婆并不是如此固执，在每日三餐都有固定进食的情况下是否会更健康并活得更久一些呢？
然而，世上终究是没有如果的。在2011年11月1日的凌晨6时25分，婆婆走了。
前往巴生的路途上，我和爸爸两人都不约而同的保持沉默。虽说我和婆婆的关系不亲，但我却十分的明白婆婆的死对爸爸来说是多么大的打击。当时的心情七上八下的，但现在回想起来似乎是担心爸爸的情绪占多数吧！子欲养而亲不在，那似乎便是世上最让人遗憾的事了。
丧礼，对于我来说的确是十分陌生的事情。从开始的念经祭祖到后来的评选棺木和出殡当日的种种仪式的确让我大开眼界，对佛教的葬礼有了更深一步的了解。虽说其中种种琐碎的过程有时的确会让人困扰，但这应该就是身为后辈的我们能为去世的亲人所送上的最后一份心意与尊重吧。
出殡当日，似乎连空气都充满一种惆怅的味道。先是一睹婆婆最后一面，之后便是封棺和叩拜仪式。而在更随灵车走了一段路后我们便前往火葬的地点-千佛寺。在一般仪式后，婆婆的棺木便被推进了火葬室。在那熊熊大火燃烧起的瞬间，掉落的却是亲朋好友们一滴滴的眼泪。就连一向摆出男人大丈夫，流血不流泪款的爸爸也滴下了几滴男儿泪。我虽然没有哭，但只要一想到人一生的终点便是如此是也不免的感叹万千。
人的一生无论多风光，死后终究都会归于尘土。在火葬后第二天把婆婆的骨灰撒进大海的那一瞬间的确让我有了许多的启发。人生得意需尽欢,莫使金樽空对月，难得来世一趟，不痛痛快快的活一场那便辜负了我们这宝贵的一生。而更重要的是我发现有许多事其实并不用那么执着而有更多的事却需要我们加倍的珍惜和保护。就犹如亲情、爱情和友情。
最后，我只想说，婆婆，您安息吧！
在过去的十九年内，我相信我和她沟通的时间甚至没有超过十九个小时。的确，对一个只会以海南话沟通的老人家和一个对海南语一知半解的我来说，沟通确实是一件十分困难的事情。年龄上那巨大差距也决定了两人之间并不可能产生多少的共同话题。然而，这并不是我对她感到陌生的主要原因。或许是那遥远的50公里才是我俩之间永远也跨不去的障碍。
我爸是家中的老三。在他那个年代来说，身为次子的他在成年之后分家是在正常不过的事。自然而然的，照顾父母的责任也落不到他的头上。应此，自我出生以来“婆婆”二字一直都只是个名词。我的童年当中也从未拥有过婆婆的身影。坦白说，婆婆对我来说或许只是个陌生人而已。从其量就是一个比较熟悉的陌生人。
婆婆和大伯一家都住在巴生，离我家大约50公里的距离。那长达45分钟的车程注定了我们一家并不能长抽空回去探望她。再加上爸爸工作上的忙碌以及要顾虑到我们三兄弟姐妹的课业，每个月下巴生的次数一个巴掌都数的完。而每一次回去的时间都大约只有1～2小时。那些短暂的时间注定了我和婆婆之间并不可能产生太深厚的婆孙情。
我和婆婆存在着语言上的障碍。应此，每一次见面我们之间的对话往往不超过五句而我的对白似乎永远只有那两句："popo" 和 “dai la(知道了)"。渐渐的，与婆婆的见面似乎演变成了一种形式、一个过场。往往在对她打了声招呼后，我便会跑出她的房间自己找乐子来消磨时间至到爸爸决定回去为止。
而随着年龄的增长，我和婆婆之间的距离非但没有缩小反而慢慢的扩大了。我开始排斥前往巴生，去探望那似乎永远都躺在床上的婆婆。我对自己的时间开始有了自己的看法，我慢慢的觉得花费那几个小时的时间去和婆婆说不到5句话是种毫无意义的事情。而且，婆婆她那充满着期盼和望孙成龙的眼神让我感到异常的压抑。甚至我还应此和爸爸吵了几架。
我的爷爷在我出世之前便去世了，只留下比他年轻许多的婆婆来支撑着整个家庭。环境和生活上的压迫和影响使婆婆变得坚强和有些固执。这性格直到她去世为止都没有太大的改变。爷爷去世后几年，婆婆似乎终于看破红尘，在我爸爸几个兄弟姐妹的支持下在槟城的一间佛庙出家为尼。然而在她晚年期间因身体不适的缘故被我大伯接回了巴生的精舍以方便我们照顾。
婆婆是位素食者，但偏偏又十分嘴挑。我还记得有段期间，婆婆病的连自己起身也成了一种奢望但纵使是如此，她还是拒绝我们为她准备的食物。往往在咬了一口后便吐了出来，脸上的表情仿佛是生吃了黄莲一般，又苦又丑。她的固执由此可见。有时我甚至会想，如果婆婆并不是如此固执，在每日三餐都有固定进食的情况下是否会更健康并活得更久一些呢？
然而，世上终究是没有如果的。在2011年11月1日的凌晨6时25分，婆婆走了。
前往巴生的路途上，我和爸爸两人都不约而同的保持沉默。虽说我和婆婆的关系不亲，但我却十分的明白婆婆的死对爸爸来说是多么大的打击。当时的心情七上八下的，但现在回想起来似乎是担心爸爸的情绪占多数吧！子欲养而亲不在，那似乎便是世上最让人遗憾的事了。
丧礼，对于我来说的确是十分陌生的事情。从开始的念经祭祖到后来的评选棺木和出殡当日的种种仪式的确让我大开眼界，对佛教的葬礼有了更深一步的了解。虽说其中种种琐碎的过程有时的确会让人困扰，但这应该就是身为后辈的我们能为去世的亲人所送上的最后一份心意与尊重吧。
出殡当日，似乎连空气都充满一种惆怅的味道。先是一睹婆婆最后一面，之后便是封棺和叩拜仪式。而在更随灵车走了一段路后我们便前往火葬的地点-千佛寺。在一般仪式后，婆婆的棺木便被推进了火葬室。在那熊熊大火燃烧起的瞬间，掉落的却是亲朋好友们一滴滴的眼泪。就连一向摆出男人大丈夫，流血不流泪款的爸爸也滴下了几滴男儿泪。我虽然没有哭，但只要一想到人一生的终点便是如此是也不免的感叹万千。
人的一生无论多风光，死后终究都会归于尘土。在火葬后第二天把婆婆的骨灰撒进大海的那一瞬间的确让我有了许多的启发。人生得意需尽欢,莫使金樽空对月，难得来世一趟，不痛痛快快的活一场那便辜负了我们这宝贵的一生。而更重要的是我发现有许多事其实并不用那么执着而有更多的事却需要我们加倍的珍惜和保护。就犹如亲情、爱情和友情。
最后，我只想说，婆婆，您安息吧！
2010年10月16日星期六
16/10
18, 18. The favorite number of most of the chinese does not excite me at all. The fact that i am going to shift from adolescence stage to adulthood does not cheer me up. Not after all the craps that have happened to me for the past few weeks.
My life has been quite a disaster so far. I screwed up one of the most important paper in my life, being rejected by a girl, lost my headset, ruined part of my relationship with peoples and turned to be fatter. And for now i am even forced to abandon my favorite sport and try my very best to concentrate on my studies. Like what wai hoe said, i have almost become a librarian because i have been spending so much time in the library, working up on my notes and past year questions. Sometime i even wonder, if i was so hardworking when i was form4, would i score straight A+ in my exam? However, there are never any stop/pause or revert button in your life. The only thing you can do is move on. There's no point thinking back of those shit and being regret about it (:
Back to the original topic, being 18 is nothing wonderful for me. I have used to hide in the shade of my memories, reminiscing on the wonderful life i used to have. The days where i do not need to worry on my studies, relationship with people and my future. Since the day i choose A level as the start of my tertiary studies, i feel the heavy loads on my back. Ruined my A level will actually means that i give up my chance for entering a better university, which means i am 1 step further from achieving my dreams.
Despite the big and HUGE question mark on my future, there is so much more things that a young adult like me have to consider about. For instant, the ways to overcome the overwhelming responsibility that drops on an adult-to-be like me. Failed to maintain my scholarship means that i have increased the burden for my dad. My dad have been putting so much effort on me and i am not qualified to disappoint him again. It is my responsible to make him feel that all his scarification all this time was worth the price.
People do live for themselves. Being 18 means that you couldn't simply put the blame on others, just like what you usually do when you throw down all your anger to your parents or siblings when you are small. It is the stage in your life where you have to stand up for every mistake you have made and bared with all the consequences. And for me, i dont think i am ready yet or more specifically i do not ever want to be ready. This is one point which i love for being young. It is the phase in your life where you could do most of the things you wanted, enjoying your life without any hesitation and need not to worry on all the other troubles and problems.
In a nutshell, being an adult means so much more responsibility and role. For now, i just hope that tomorrow never comes. But deep inside my heart, i still knows that i couldn't stop the time and all i can do is just stop the playing stage in my life and start preparing for something bigger., crucial and more important.
My life has been quite a disaster so far. I screwed up one of the most important paper in my life, being rejected by a girl, lost my headset, ruined part of my relationship with peoples and turned to be fatter. And for now i am even forced to abandon my favorite sport and try my very best to concentrate on my studies. Like what wai hoe said, i have almost become a librarian because i have been spending so much time in the library, working up on my notes and past year questions. Sometime i even wonder, if i was so hardworking when i was form4, would i score straight A+ in my exam? However, there are never any stop/pause or revert button in your life. The only thing you can do is move on. There's no point thinking back of those shit and being regret about it (:
Back to the original topic, being 18 is nothing wonderful for me. I have used to hide in the shade of my memories, reminiscing on the wonderful life i used to have. The days where i do not need to worry on my studies, relationship with people and my future. Since the day i choose A level as the start of my tertiary studies, i feel the heavy loads on my back. Ruined my A level will actually means that i give up my chance for entering a better university, which means i am 1 step further from achieving my dreams.
Despite the big and HUGE question mark on my future, there is so much more things that a young adult like me have to consider about. For instant, the ways to overcome the overwhelming responsibility that drops on an adult-to-be like me. Failed to maintain my scholarship means that i have increased the burden for my dad. My dad have been putting so much effort on me and i am not qualified to disappoint him again. It is my responsible to make him feel that all his scarification all this time was worth the price.
People do live for themselves. Being 18 means that you couldn't simply put the blame on others, just like what you usually do when you throw down all your anger to your parents or siblings when you are small. It is the stage in your life where you have to stand up for every mistake you have made and bared with all the consequences. And for me, i dont think i am ready yet or more specifically i do not ever want to be ready. This is one point which i love for being young. It is the phase in your life where you could do most of the things you wanted, enjoying your life without any hesitation and need not to worry on all the other troubles and problems.
In a nutshell, being an adult means so much more responsibility and role. For now, i just hope that tomorrow never comes. But deep inside my heart, i still knows that i couldn't stop the time and all i can do is just stop the playing stage in my life and start preparing for something bigger., crucial and more important.
AS
Okay. I screwed up my maths on the 13/10 and the bad mood continued for 3 days. I skipped 2 days of college, sleeping and wondering at home. the only thing i have done is playing nba2k11 which occupied 70% of my time. The rest of the 30%? Sleep, eat and shit.
It is hard to forgive yourself especially when the small little mistake you made cause so much for you. Indices, X cube * X cube = X^9. brilliant. I just cant stop blaming myself for that. However, i know i have no more time to lose. Gonna spend the rest of the time preparing for the other subjects. This time, hopefully everything will go smoothly (:
It is hard to forgive yourself especially when the small little mistake you made cause so much for you. Indices, X cube * X cube = X^9. brilliant. I just cant stop blaming myself for that. However, i know i have no more time to lose. Gonna spend the rest of the time preparing for the other subjects. This time, hopefully everything will go smoothly (:
2010年8月29日星期日
Tragic
Rachel. Or Siow Kuan. Or Hamster. Or Daniel's ex. No matter what i call her, she was one of the people that has a big influence in my life.
Rachel, was practically the first female friend i got to know since i entered tar college. She is cute, smart and adorable. Of course, girls like her are always taken. So do her. She was Wai Hoe's girlfriend. Sweet and lovely. In fact, they were the couple that was in the same group with me during orientation program. So i think i do have some fate with them, dont I?
Oh yeah, if you think that daniel and rachel sound so familiar with you, you are not wrong. It is just the most common name of the couple that appeared in movies and books. He used that name because of her i think. Sweet isnt it?
The released of SPM results are normally a relief for most of the 2009 candidates. I was lucky for scoring 12As1C. Thanks to English Literature that ruined my whole result slip thou. The release of the SPM result, however, are not quite a happy thing for the couple as Rachel has to make a decision that might influenced her future - whether to stay in tarc to complete A Level or proceed to Taylor for business course on a partial scholarship basis.
I have never involved in a relationship before thus i have totally no idea how she had struggled to make a decision between her future and her boyfriend. I just dont know that love can actually play such an important role in someone's life.
The day before Rachel left us and start a new life in a brand new college and environment, she broke down in front of all of us. That part of memories have been embedded so deep into my head that i still can recall most of the details even until today. It was physics practical, we were asked to conduct an experiment on pendulum and apparently it was Rachel's last lesson in tarc. She was moody for the whole day and after the experiment when daniel had left the class, she cried in front of us, half begging me to take care of her boyfriend. She was so afraid that his boyfriend will no longer concentrate on his studies after she left and was so worry that it would affect his future and his dream of becoming an engineer.
I could not remember the exact number of sms that she had sent me just to ask her boyfriend condition. But what i do remember is the shock that i gained through her love and her care towards her boyfriend. To be honest i was a little bit envy of daniel for being so lucky to have such a caring girlfriend. Both of them let me understand how sweet a love can be and make me someone who was so desperate for love that time. But something that i dont know by that time is they would soon make me feel the other way too.
Things changed. So easy, so fast.
It was suppose to be a happy day where one group of people will have fun, going to mid valley enjoy a movie together and celebrate the end of our exams. It was so hard to find a time where most of the people were free to hangout together, especially on the weekday. However, things normally do not go as smoothly as what you hope.
I dont know is whether the maths paper(which i do badly) or the long dull SWC meeting that have made me so frustrated that day. I become so emotional and blame daniel for some stupid reason. That dispute between us soon ruined my day. It was so hard for me to accept the truth that i was now out of the gang that i used to be, being alone again and forced to join in to another group which i am not that familiar with. What make thing worst is the sms i received later on that day - "does wai hoe behave strangely or stalking a particular girl recently?"
Women are definitely one of the most sensitive creature on earth. They are always the first one to notice a small change in surrounding environment, outer appearance or .... heart. Having dispute with daniel do not means that i never care about his stuff anymore. In fact i felt guilty that time and was finding a chance to apologize to him. I was stunned reading that message and was determined to find out what had happened. I would never want to see them breaking up cause if that really happened, it would not just broke the relationship between them but at the same time will spoil the impression of love to me. You know how much do i envy them before. They just simply represent how sweet and how lovely a couple can be to me.
There is no secret that can be kept forever. It was so soon that i realized what was going on. Thanks to the trip of genting highland.
Being a scout for 5 years do make me quite an adventurous and independent person. It was the last day of college before the holiday begins and the D class has planned an overnight trip to Genting Highland. They have plan to go right after the last lecture of the day. I remember that i oversleep that day and was absent to college. Thanks to the encouragement from nan tyan and invitation from both hoho and jonathan, i decided to went up genting highland alone and met them there. That was yet the other decision that i would never regret in my life.
Depart to Genting by 4.30 from KL Sentral and reach there around 6pm was definitely not a good idea. What make it worst is when you have to go up all ALONE. But no matter what, i was inside the bus after thinking for hours at home. I was reluctant to go up at first because i was somehow scare and not ready to face daniel yet, whom i have just quarrel with not many days ago.
Things start to be clear after a little bit of pool and dinner up there in Genting. Before daniel left, he passed a doll to Linda as gift. It was then i sensed something wrong with him. That doll has caused another dispute between linda and yii huey where the latter proclaim that linda should not have accepted the gift from daniel as he was occupied and not single. Later in that night, after a bit of alcoholic drink, finally i get to know the truth which was so painful to hear - a change in heart in my friend, the friend who once i think hold the most stable relationship with his girlfriend. The friend whom i think was so sweet and lovely with his love before and all of that looks like they will last forever. (Well at least for a longer period?)
I found it hard for me to accept the truth. I found it even harder to accept it when i get to know that Gary has just broke up with his girlfriend too and Vincent was currently in a deep relationship problem with his girlfriend and most probably was going to break up as well. All this events that happened in such a short period of time made me lost my confidence toward love. My impression of love was turned totally upside down. Love is so gray for me at the moment.
I called Rachel. She cried and there was nothing much i can do about it. But something that i know for sure is the crack between me and daniel has just turned bigger and deeper. The friendship that bond us so strong once before seems so fragile now.
My friendship with daniel however does not end at here. Thanks to the orientation program that made us work as a team again. We looked as good and as friendly as before but something that my friend would not know is since the day he broke up with rachel, i never call him daniel anymore. I call him wai hoe.
And the other thing that i have hide is the doll that ended up in the hotel's rubbish bin.
Rachel, was practically the first female friend i got to know since i entered tar college. She is cute, smart and adorable. Of course, girls like her are always taken. So do her. She was Wai Hoe's girlfriend. Sweet and lovely. In fact, they were the couple that was in the same group with me during orientation program. So i think i do have some fate with them, dont I?
Oh yeah, if you think that daniel and rachel sound so familiar with you, you are not wrong. It is just the most common name of the couple that appeared in movies and books. He used that name because of her i think. Sweet isnt it?
The released of SPM results are normally a relief for most of the 2009 candidates. I was lucky for scoring 12As1C. Thanks to English Literature that ruined my whole result slip thou. The release of the SPM result, however, are not quite a happy thing for the couple as Rachel has to make a decision that might influenced her future - whether to stay in tarc to complete A Level or proceed to Taylor for business course on a partial scholarship basis.
I have never involved in a relationship before thus i have totally no idea how she had struggled to make a decision between her future and her boyfriend. I just dont know that love can actually play such an important role in someone's life.
The day before Rachel left us and start a new life in a brand new college and environment, she broke down in front of all of us. That part of memories have been embedded so deep into my head that i still can recall most of the details even until today. It was physics practical, we were asked to conduct an experiment on pendulum and apparently it was Rachel's last lesson in tarc. She was moody for the whole day and after the experiment when daniel had left the class, she cried in front of us, half begging me to take care of her boyfriend. She was so afraid that his boyfriend will no longer concentrate on his studies after she left and was so worry that it would affect his future and his dream of becoming an engineer.
I could not remember the exact number of sms that she had sent me just to ask her boyfriend condition. But what i do remember is the shock that i gained through her love and her care towards her boyfriend. To be honest i was a little bit envy of daniel for being so lucky to have such a caring girlfriend. Both of them let me understand how sweet a love can be and make me someone who was so desperate for love that time. But something that i dont know by that time is they would soon make me feel the other way too.
Things changed. So easy, so fast.
It was suppose to be a happy day where one group of people will have fun, going to mid valley enjoy a movie together and celebrate the end of our exams. It was so hard to find a time where most of the people were free to hangout together, especially on the weekday. However, things normally do not go as smoothly as what you hope.
I dont know is whether the maths paper(which i do badly) or the long dull SWC meeting that have made me so frustrated that day. I become so emotional and blame daniel for some stupid reason. That dispute between us soon ruined my day. It was so hard for me to accept the truth that i was now out of the gang that i used to be, being alone again and forced to join in to another group which i am not that familiar with. What make thing worst is the sms i received later on that day - "does wai hoe behave strangely or stalking a particular girl recently?"
Women are definitely one of the most sensitive creature on earth. They are always the first one to notice a small change in surrounding environment, outer appearance or .... heart. Having dispute with daniel do not means that i never care about his stuff anymore. In fact i felt guilty that time and was finding a chance to apologize to him. I was stunned reading that message and was determined to find out what had happened. I would never want to see them breaking up cause if that really happened, it would not just broke the relationship between them but at the same time will spoil the impression of love to me. You know how much do i envy them before. They just simply represent how sweet and how lovely a couple can be to me.
There is no secret that can be kept forever. It was so soon that i realized what was going on. Thanks to the trip of genting highland.
Being a scout for 5 years do make me quite an adventurous and independent person. It was the last day of college before the holiday begins and the D class has planned an overnight trip to Genting Highland. They have plan to go right after the last lecture of the day. I remember that i oversleep that day and was absent to college. Thanks to the encouragement from nan tyan and invitation from both hoho and jonathan, i decided to went up genting highland alone and met them there. That was yet the other decision that i would never regret in my life.
Depart to Genting by 4.30 from KL Sentral and reach there around 6pm was definitely not a good idea. What make it worst is when you have to go up all ALONE. But no matter what, i was inside the bus after thinking for hours at home. I was reluctant to go up at first because i was somehow scare and not ready to face daniel yet, whom i have just quarrel with not many days ago.
Things start to be clear after a little bit of pool and dinner up there in Genting. Before daniel left, he passed a doll to Linda as gift. It was then i sensed something wrong with him. That doll has caused another dispute between linda and yii huey where the latter proclaim that linda should not have accepted the gift from daniel as he was occupied and not single. Later in that night, after a bit of alcoholic drink, finally i get to know the truth which was so painful to hear - a change in heart in my friend, the friend who once i think hold the most stable relationship with his girlfriend. The friend whom i think was so sweet and lovely with his love before and all of that looks like they will last forever. (Well at least for a longer period?)
I found it hard for me to accept the truth. I found it even harder to accept it when i get to know that Gary has just broke up with his girlfriend too and Vincent was currently in a deep relationship problem with his girlfriend and most probably was going to break up as well. All this events that happened in such a short period of time made me lost my confidence toward love. My impression of love was turned totally upside down. Love is so gray for me at the moment.
I called Rachel. She cried and there was nothing much i can do about it. But something that i know for sure is the crack between me and daniel has just turned bigger and deeper. The friendship that bond us so strong once before seems so fragile now.
My friendship with daniel however does not end at here. Thanks to the orientation program that made us work as a team again. We looked as good and as friendly as before but something that my friend would not know is since the day he broke up with rachel, i never call him daniel anymore. I call him wai hoe.
And the other thing that i have hide is the doll that ended up in the hotel's rubbish bin.
2010年8月27日星期五
My Friends, My Life
I know that it is strange that i will start to write something again in my long abandoned blog. But it is just that there are something that i feel like splitting out. Most probably nobody will visit my blog but i hope that i could remember what i feel now forever.
8 months and 15 (or 14?) days passed since i entered tarc. Too many things have happened that i can barely remember most of them. But there are still something that i would never forget forever - my friends and my college life in tarc.
I still can remember the day before i enter tarc. Childish, naive and got totally no idea of my life. My first impression of tarc was actually not too good thou. Thanks to all those rumors that i have heard and those historical (old) buildings in tar college.
College life in tarc has officially announced a totally new phrase in my life. Apart from the long, dull and boring life before, i knew that i was going to have a totally different life since the first day of the orientation. I am going to be reborn to another person. Someone with different life and personalities.
I am not someone with good memories. I tend to forget things frequently and in fact i cant even remember most of my primary classmates. However, certain things and people do caught my attention since the first day of orientation.
I am alone for the first day. None of my friends back in secondary school have decided to enter tarc. Most of them went to Taylor for A level. Yeah, i am quite nervous and afraid for the first day. However i do know 1 of my tuition friend is going to tarc. He is no other than Pius - my first friend in tarc.
Pius, the only person that i know for the first day. But too bad he was with his chong hwa gang. I am too shy and afraid to join in to their group that day. But it was lucky that i saw someone that i am familiar with. 1 of the 3 MBS guy that entered tarc with me - tee ken.
To be honest, the only thing that i knew about ken at that time was only his name. (sound sarcastic?) To my surprise, he invited me to sit with him, which make me feel a lot comfortable at that time. Try imagine that you have found something to hold on after floating on the sea for few days because that was exactly what i felt that time. He was kind and friendly, unlike his face that gave me the impression that he is LANCI. Not as serious and fierce like what he used to be back in MBS. Thanks for not making me too lonely for the first few days ken. You are seriously a great friend.
Let me tell you a secret. I has been a coward for the past 17 of my life. I got totally no confidence in myself. To be honest, i seriously think that i am sucks. I was never a good friend, good student nor a good child. Inferior is what i felt all of the time before. That is the reason why i never even dare to talk to a girl i like for the past 3 years. I felt like a nobody in front of her. That's why i always mimic those who i felt is outstanding. Just to make myself someone qualified for her. And on the first day itself, i met with someone whom i think is extremely sharp - Jonathan.
Yes, you might not believe it but the first person i notice in tarc is not a pretty girl but a guy. (i'm not gay thou) He is just like a spotlight. Always outstanding among others. His handsome face is one factor but the other things that attract me about him is that he was alone too. Pretty much like me. I have think of making him the first friend of me in tarc but too bad i just dont have the guts to do that. Inferior in front of him i think? Haha.
Try imagine a guy who came from a school which surrounded by boys. What make it worst is this dumb yet ordinary boy has no female friend for all of his secondary school life. Not even talk to girls for few times during his teenage period actually. So, what would he do after he enter an environment where there is tons of girls which is same age with him? Turn to a werewolf that is eager for girls? No actually. He just turn to be someone that is self-abased.
SM. That girl that has been haunting my life for almost 3 years. I never know that i will fall for her for such a long period. I cant remember how many times that i and my friends have advised me to let her go from my life. But sometime it is just not that easy for you to forget someone. Not after she have penetrated that deep into your heart. Ok, what's so big and so hard to let go a girl that has less than 10 lines of conversation with you for the past 3 years? Well, even thou it is just 10 lines through mouth but there is more than 3 billions sentences that i have spoken to her through my heart. That's is why it is so hard to forget a girl for me.
The end of spm does not make me happy at all. Because it just simply means that there will be no more chances for me to secretly admire her from the side. And it also means that i am going to miss my favorite 4 hours each week. It just means that i am gonna to lost something i have been keeping for the past 3 years - my love. 1 month of rest do make me feel better and soon the nervousness that i am going to start college make her shadow slowly fade away from my heart.
But how the FUCK would you feel when you saw somebody that looks similar to her and have the same temperament with her appear in your life again? For me. The appearance of her do make my heart beat like a mad bull again after losing sm in my life. Well do i mention the girl name yet? No? Well she is siew li. But am i going to tackle and talk to her this time? No i am not going to do that. Why? Well dont forget, i am coward. Oh yeah. i still remember the first time i met her. Orientation second day sitting on the highest row of the lecture hall wearing a shirt. Eventually she sit on the next table of mine when i went canteen for food. Well, not to mention that the food really spoil my mood thou. I have never ate mix rice that sucks before in my life. Only good thing about that rice is it only cost me RM1.90, which is surprisingly cheap.
Orientation programs. It was so damn lame and bored. Only good thing for me is that i able to get some new friends. (Lost contact with most of them now. which is something that make me regret) Well. I got to admit that i notice this couple since i have been assign to my group. Well. I have never involve in any relationship before and you could not blame me for keep stalking both of them throughout the orientation programs. I was curious and somehow envy by looking them to be so lovely. Oh by the way, they 2 walk as Fast as a snail. =.= Sometime in your life, you just have to believe in fate. I have totally no idea that this couple will be part of my classmate by that time. And yes. 2 of them do played an very important role in my life later on.
My elder sister was entirely a different person with me. She is cheerful, outgoing, confidence, charming and have lots of leadership in herself. Of course, girls like her are often surrounded by tons of guys and have uncountable friends all around. I was actually a "sister boy" as my sister play a very important role in my growth. She is the one who changed me from a nerdy boy to someone who understand fashion. Not only that, she is the one who taught me to be confidence and lead me to be on the right path of being a true and worthy friend to all. You probably would not believe that i never even buy 1 cloth on my own before during the secondary school period. And not to mention that the coconut hairstyle that has accompanied me since i was small to form 4. My sis was the one who start to transform me and i sincerely appreciate and grateful that i have a sister like her. But what most important is that she taught me something very important. That is to be able to get some true friends, first you have to be brave. You must have to courage to make new friends by starting a conversation and most importantly you must be sincere.
My secondary school life was never a perfect one. Despite of the fact that i was in a god damn BOY school, i was lonely. Due to my ego-ness and my stupidity in handling a relationship with people, i have friends who you could count finish with 1 hand. No man is an island. Nobody could live without interacting with others. Me too. It was a painful experience for me. Even my best friend whom i have know since i was 4 years old was reluctant to talk to me at that time. I am alone for some period, which is some terrible experience that i would never wish to have again in my life. Yes, i admit that i am scare of loneliness, i am scare of being abandoned. Men never realized their own mistake until they feel the pain of it. I have decided to change. I am enough of those days where computer and novels were my only friend. I want to make myself more popular. I want to have more friends. I want some friendship from people. I just dont want to be alone again.
I have transformed. I changed my attitude. I make stupid jokes. I do stupid stuff. And most importantly i act stupid most of the time. I start to have friends. I feel the sweetness that i gained from friendship. i feel that i have been accepted by people. I am happy. I start to appreciate each of every friend i got. I would never ever want to lose them again. Since that day onwards, friends have been the first priority of my heart. Way above my family and other stuff. I appreciate all of my friends and i love them.
Friends have become something that was so holy in my life. I treated every friendship heavily because they are one of the main support in my life.
So now you could understand why i was so eager to make more friend when i enter tarc. Hoho and Zack was one of the first batch of friend that i make in tarc. Thanks to Pius who introduced them to me. I never realized that there is someone whom attitude and taste was so similar to me before like Hoho. We share the same taste, we stalk the same girl, we like the same stuff and it was somehow weird when you looking at someone who is so similar to you. Too bad Zack left tarc after few months. Kinda miss him sometime too.
Biology. I dont like this subject at all. I am not going to take medical field jobs as my career anyway. Doctor, pharmacist or bio tech was bullshit to me. I just have no positive feelings towards this part of the world. Anyhow, i dont think i am noble so i am not qualified to be a doctor thou. The only reason that i took biology is simply because it is an easier subject to score A compare to further maths. Just simply as that and i was glad i make the right decision. Not because i love the subject but is i love my course mates. I got those friends i dream for for a long time especially people from my class - SJ11E.
SJ11E. The class for students with the worst forecast results. I was somehow depressed for entering this class at the begining because all of my new friends were in the other classes. Pius, hoho, zack and most of the chong hwa's people was in D class, together with some pretty girls while ken was in C class. Again i am lonely. The first time i met my classmate was in maths tutorial. Not pretty good impression thou. Only half of the class was chinese (I'M NOT RACIST) and most importantly i have fail to spot any pretty girls in my class.
Moment later, i was surprised by the couple who was with the same group with me during the orientation. Too bad they never recognized me at all. Then i met this 2 fellows who were late for the class - fang shiang and jenn. I was shock by looking at them. both are so tall and mature compare to me. I felt so small in front of them. it is odd that i suddenly got the courage to approach them and introduce myself to them. That must be one of the smartest decision that i have made in my life. Because this action just simply bring me one of my best friend now to me.
Then is the fat K(Gary). He is huge and was pointed as the assistant class rep later on in the class. I barely recognized him the second day as he wore contact lenses that day. Wooo, i love his Mohawk.
It is just so easy to be familiar and mix around with each other when there is chemistry around you. I make friends with fs and jenn quickly. We talk a lot of bullshit in class and they could say is my first friend in SJ11E. However, i was a bit greedy. I hope for more friends so eventually i combine our class people to one big gang. Held by one big strong bond call friendship. Thanks to Gary's birthday which made us so united compared to other classes where most of the people still stuck in their safety zone and stick with their old friends.
It is hard to find friends who could held a nice conversation and build a strong friendship with you. It is even harder for you to find A BUNCH OF FRIEND who not only make good friend with you but at the same time share the same hobby. I would say this is fate maybe? We were so surprised after knowing all of us sharing the same hobby - basketball. Sports is the easiest way for men to build their friendship and through basketball our friendship strengthen again.
I am typical Chinese which means that i do love Chinese food more than other foods. Pan Mee, of course is one of my favorite. Thanks to the recommendation from Mira and all my hostel friend like Jennifer, Ace, FS etc, we found this Pan Mee shop located at TBR. It was very much different from the usual pan mee we ate at those hawker stall. The exquisite food and environment made us fall in love with that place since the first day. Since that day onwards, we have become the frequent customer of that shop, especially on every Wednesday where we have 2 hours break in between. Credits to Gary and Daniel who own a car which gave us a lot of flexibility.
People always love to be surprised. And if you are finding for someone who will surprise you, Vincent Chew is the one you are looking for. Vincent, was the most unexpected one among our gang. He was so quiet and moody at the beginning of the day but he turned out to be the one who brought us most joy. He was hilarious, funny and humor which make him a really very good friend. I love hearing him sings too. It was nice and if you got chance hearing him sing (especially those old songs), you will fall in love with his vocal.
Playing basketball, talking almost every craps that you could ever imagine and eating pan mee. That's how i passed my first few months of my college life. It was the kind of life that i have always wanted for when i was in secondary school. Having a bunch of friends that you could talk to, doing everything that you want to do and most importantly live the way of life you want. That's my dream. I was so happy and satisfied with my life at that moment. My life was just simply brilliant at that time.
But just like any other things that exist in this world. Nothing will stay immortal forever. Even the sweetest and the most beautiful things will fade one day. Just like the perfect life i got that time.
Things changed. Easily.
8 months and 15 (or 14?) days passed since i entered tarc. Too many things have happened that i can barely remember most of them. But there are still something that i would never forget forever - my friends and my college life in tarc.
I still can remember the day before i enter tarc. Childish, naive and got totally no idea of my life. My first impression of tarc was actually not too good thou. Thanks to all those rumors that i have heard and those historical (old) buildings in tar college.
College life in tarc has officially announced a totally new phrase in my life. Apart from the long, dull and boring life before, i knew that i was going to have a totally different life since the first day of the orientation. I am going to be reborn to another person. Someone with different life and personalities.
I am not someone with good memories. I tend to forget things frequently and in fact i cant even remember most of my primary classmates. However, certain things and people do caught my attention since the first day of orientation.
I am alone for the first day. None of my friends back in secondary school have decided to enter tarc. Most of them went to Taylor for A level. Yeah, i am quite nervous and afraid for the first day. However i do know 1 of my tuition friend is going to tarc. He is no other than Pius - my first friend in tarc.
Pius, the only person that i know for the first day. But too bad he was with his chong hwa gang. I am too shy and afraid to join in to their group that day. But it was lucky that i saw someone that i am familiar with. 1 of the 3 MBS guy that entered tarc with me - tee ken.
To be honest, the only thing that i knew about ken at that time was only his name. (sound sarcastic?) To my surprise, he invited me to sit with him, which make me feel a lot comfortable at that time. Try imagine that you have found something to hold on after floating on the sea for few days because that was exactly what i felt that time. He was kind and friendly, unlike his face that gave me the impression that he is LANCI. Not as serious and fierce like what he used to be back in MBS. Thanks for not making me too lonely for the first few days ken. You are seriously a great friend.
Let me tell you a secret. I has been a coward for the past 17 of my life. I got totally no confidence in myself. To be honest, i seriously think that i am sucks. I was never a good friend, good student nor a good child. Inferior is what i felt all of the time before. That is the reason why i never even dare to talk to a girl i like for the past 3 years. I felt like a nobody in front of her. That's why i always mimic those who i felt is outstanding. Just to make myself someone qualified for her. And on the first day itself, i met with someone whom i think is extremely sharp - Jonathan.
Yes, you might not believe it but the first person i notice in tarc is not a pretty girl but a guy. (i'm not gay thou) He is just like a spotlight. Always outstanding among others. His handsome face is one factor but the other things that attract me about him is that he was alone too. Pretty much like me. I have think of making him the first friend of me in tarc but too bad i just dont have the guts to do that. Inferior in front of him i think? Haha.
Try imagine a guy who came from a school which surrounded by boys. What make it worst is this dumb yet ordinary boy has no female friend for all of his secondary school life. Not even talk to girls for few times during his teenage period actually. So, what would he do after he enter an environment where there is tons of girls which is same age with him? Turn to a werewolf that is eager for girls? No actually. He just turn to be someone that is self-abased.
SM. That girl that has been haunting my life for almost 3 years. I never know that i will fall for her for such a long period. I cant remember how many times that i and my friends have advised me to let her go from my life. But sometime it is just not that easy for you to forget someone. Not after she have penetrated that deep into your heart. Ok, what's so big and so hard to let go a girl that has less than 10 lines of conversation with you for the past 3 years? Well, even thou it is just 10 lines through mouth but there is more than 3 billions sentences that i have spoken to her through my heart. That's is why it is so hard to forget a girl for me.
The end of spm does not make me happy at all. Because it just simply means that there will be no more chances for me to secretly admire her from the side. And it also means that i am going to miss my favorite 4 hours each week. It just means that i am gonna to lost something i have been keeping for the past 3 years - my love. 1 month of rest do make me feel better and soon the nervousness that i am going to start college make her shadow slowly fade away from my heart.
But how the FUCK would you feel when you saw somebody that looks similar to her and have the same temperament with her appear in your life again? For me. The appearance of her do make my heart beat like a mad bull again after losing sm in my life. Well do i mention the girl name yet? No? Well she is siew li. But am i going to tackle and talk to her this time? No i am not going to do that. Why? Well dont forget, i am coward. Oh yeah. i still remember the first time i met her. Orientation second day sitting on the highest row of the lecture hall wearing a shirt. Eventually she sit on the next table of mine when i went canteen for food. Well, not to mention that the food really spoil my mood thou. I have never ate mix rice that sucks before in my life. Only good thing about that rice is it only cost me RM1.90, which is surprisingly cheap.
Orientation programs. It was so damn lame and bored. Only good thing for me is that i able to get some new friends. (Lost contact with most of them now. which is something that make me regret) Well. I got to admit that i notice this couple since i have been assign to my group. Well. I have never involve in any relationship before and you could not blame me for keep stalking both of them throughout the orientation programs. I was curious and somehow envy by looking them to be so lovely. Oh by the way, they 2 walk as Fast as a snail. =.= Sometime in your life, you just have to believe in fate. I have totally no idea that this couple will be part of my classmate by that time. And yes. 2 of them do played an very important role in my life later on.
My elder sister was entirely a different person with me. She is cheerful, outgoing, confidence, charming and have lots of leadership in herself. Of course, girls like her are often surrounded by tons of guys and have uncountable friends all around. I was actually a "sister boy" as my sister play a very important role in my growth. She is the one who changed me from a nerdy boy to someone who understand fashion. Not only that, she is the one who taught me to be confidence and lead me to be on the right path of being a true and worthy friend to all. You probably would not believe that i never even buy 1 cloth on my own before during the secondary school period. And not to mention that the coconut hairstyle that has accompanied me since i was small to form 4. My sis was the one who start to transform me and i sincerely appreciate and grateful that i have a sister like her. But what most important is that she taught me something very important. That is to be able to get some true friends, first you have to be brave. You must have to courage to make new friends by starting a conversation and most importantly you must be sincere.
My secondary school life was never a perfect one. Despite of the fact that i was in a god damn BOY school, i was lonely. Due to my ego-ness and my stupidity in handling a relationship with people, i have friends who you could count finish with 1 hand. No man is an island. Nobody could live without interacting with others. Me too. It was a painful experience for me. Even my best friend whom i have know since i was 4 years old was reluctant to talk to me at that time. I am alone for some period, which is some terrible experience that i would never wish to have again in my life. Yes, i admit that i am scare of loneliness, i am scare of being abandoned. Men never realized their own mistake until they feel the pain of it. I have decided to change. I am enough of those days where computer and novels were my only friend. I want to make myself more popular. I want to have more friends. I want some friendship from people. I just dont want to be alone again.
I have transformed. I changed my attitude. I make stupid jokes. I do stupid stuff. And most importantly i act stupid most of the time. I start to have friends. I feel the sweetness that i gained from friendship. i feel that i have been accepted by people. I am happy. I start to appreciate each of every friend i got. I would never ever want to lose them again. Since that day onwards, friends have been the first priority of my heart. Way above my family and other stuff. I appreciate all of my friends and i love them.
Friends have become something that was so holy in my life. I treated every friendship heavily because they are one of the main support in my life.
So now you could understand why i was so eager to make more friend when i enter tarc. Hoho and Zack was one of the first batch of friend that i make in tarc. Thanks to Pius who introduced them to me. I never realized that there is someone whom attitude and taste was so similar to me before like Hoho. We share the same taste, we stalk the same girl, we like the same stuff and it was somehow weird when you looking at someone who is so similar to you. Too bad Zack left tarc after few months. Kinda miss him sometime too.
Biology. I dont like this subject at all. I am not going to take medical field jobs as my career anyway. Doctor, pharmacist or bio tech was bullshit to me. I just have no positive feelings towards this part of the world. Anyhow, i dont think i am noble so i am not qualified to be a doctor thou. The only reason that i took biology is simply because it is an easier subject to score A compare to further maths. Just simply as that and i was glad i make the right decision. Not because i love the subject but is i love my course mates. I got those friends i dream for for a long time especially people from my class - SJ11E.
SJ11E. The class for students with the worst forecast results. I was somehow depressed for entering this class at the begining because all of my new friends were in the other classes. Pius, hoho, zack and most of the chong hwa's people was in D class, together with some pretty girls while ken was in C class. Again i am lonely. The first time i met my classmate was in maths tutorial. Not pretty good impression thou. Only half of the class was chinese (I'M NOT RACIST) and most importantly i have fail to spot any pretty girls in my class.
Moment later, i was surprised by the couple who was with the same group with me during the orientation. Too bad they never recognized me at all. Then i met this 2 fellows who were late for the class - fang shiang and jenn. I was shock by looking at them. both are so tall and mature compare to me. I felt so small in front of them. it is odd that i suddenly got the courage to approach them and introduce myself to them. That must be one of the smartest decision that i have made in my life. Because this action just simply bring me one of my best friend now to me.
Then is the fat K(Gary). He is huge and was pointed as the assistant class rep later on in the class. I barely recognized him the second day as he wore contact lenses that day. Wooo, i love his Mohawk.
It is just so easy to be familiar and mix around with each other when there is chemistry around you. I make friends with fs and jenn quickly. We talk a lot of bullshit in class and they could say is my first friend in SJ11E. However, i was a bit greedy. I hope for more friends so eventually i combine our class people to one big gang. Held by one big strong bond call friendship. Thanks to Gary's birthday which made us so united compared to other classes where most of the people still stuck in their safety zone and stick with their old friends.
It is hard to find friends who could held a nice conversation and build a strong friendship with you. It is even harder for you to find A BUNCH OF FRIEND who not only make good friend with you but at the same time share the same hobby. I would say this is fate maybe? We were so surprised after knowing all of us sharing the same hobby - basketball. Sports is the easiest way for men to build their friendship and through basketball our friendship strengthen again.
I am typical Chinese which means that i do love Chinese food more than other foods. Pan Mee, of course is one of my favorite. Thanks to the recommendation from Mira and all my hostel friend like Jennifer, Ace, FS etc, we found this Pan Mee shop located at TBR. It was very much different from the usual pan mee we ate at those hawker stall. The exquisite food and environment made us fall in love with that place since the first day. Since that day onwards, we have become the frequent customer of that shop, especially on every Wednesday where we have 2 hours break in between. Credits to Gary and Daniel who own a car which gave us a lot of flexibility.
People always love to be surprised. And if you are finding for someone who will surprise you, Vincent Chew is the one you are looking for. Vincent, was the most unexpected one among our gang. He was so quiet and moody at the beginning of the day but he turned out to be the one who brought us most joy. He was hilarious, funny and humor which make him a really very good friend. I love hearing him sings too. It was nice and if you got chance hearing him sing (especially those old songs), you will fall in love with his vocal.
Playing basketball, talking almost every craps that you could ever imagine and eating pan mee. That's how i passed my first few months of my college life. It was the kind of life that i have always wanted for when i was in secondary school. Having a bunch of friends that you could talk to, doing everything that you want to do and most importantly live the way of life you want. That's my dream. I was so happy and satisfied with my life at that moment. My life was just simply brilliant at that time.
But just like any other things that exist in this world. Nothing will stay immortal forever. Even the sweetest and the most beautiful things will fade one day. Just like the perfect life i got that time.
Things changed. Easily.
2009年7月7日星期二
2009年6月9日星期二
与家人MidValley逛街吃寿司、雪糕
与老姐的照片2009年5月2日星期六
病
‘身’病
不知为何最近大病了一场，缺课四天一直到现在还是大咳不止。先是发烧，后来伤风到现在的咳嗽令我好几天没能睡个安稳觉了。
刚巧我生病期间爆发了猪流感，靠！差一点被他人误会成大马第一猪流感病患。=.=''
其实别看我胖，我可是万分脆弱的，自小便体弱多病，尤其是肺部更是糟糕之极... 还记得有过连咳3个月的恐怖经验。不过老实说能不用去那令人讨厌的学校3天实在是大快人心啊！
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‘心’病
前个星期五学校举办 CBD （combine board day）和在之前康乐中学组办的家庭日遇见了几个小学朋友。遇到他们才然我突然发现时间匆匆的就过去了五年，往日的快乐日子也已不再，实在是让我感叹良多。看以前校友在康乐那无忧无虑的校园生活，老实说我十分羡慕。哎，如果当初我没被MBS录取那该有多好呀。只不过这世界万分残酷，没有回头药也没有如果。
MBS的日子并没有大家想象的那么快活，我感觉在这间学校学到最多的就是虚伪和做作。真真的自我老早被藏进内心深处了。感谢那些往日的校友 （大姐，鸿山，立恒....etc) 让我在多年后能反省自己，踏上追寻自我的道路。
一定要变回往日那自由自在、无忧无虑、毫无烦恼的少年！
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